The Story of Bobo Fat
by vegemite
Summary: My first fanfic. What happens to Boba Fett after ROTJ? Read to find out. PG13 to be safe. AU. COMPLETE
1. I The Quest for Maalox Max

This is the story of Bobo Fat. Who exactly is Bobo Fat? Well, you'll have to read on to find out!

Disclaimer: I do not own Star Wars. Or Maalox Max. Or Peptobismal.

Note: OK, this story goes against everything in the EU Bounty Hunter Wars trilogy. Also, I don't like about the prequels, or Jango Fett, so if I write something that goes against them, too, I don't really care.

**Chapter One: The Quest For Maalox Max**

After the Sarlacc ate Boba Fett, it started getting indigestion. Turns out that Mandalorian armor had been in some pretty gross place. So the Sarlacc spat him back out again.

"Eew!" said Boba, looking at his purty armor all gross and acidic. "Now I have to go to the Laundromat!"

He started to get up to go to the Mos Eisley Laundromat, but then he realized that his leg was caught in a tentacle.

"Quit it!" He yelled at the tentacle. Boba reached for his really big gun-thingy, only to realize that it must still be in the Sarlacc. "Can I _please_ have my gun back?"

"No!" the Sarlacc boomed.

"Wha-what?" I thought the Sarlacc wasn't a sentient creature!" Boba thought put loud.

"Well, I am. And your armor gave me indigestion, heartburn, gas, and bloating!"

"Um, I'm _really_ sorry. But there's not much I can do about that"

"Yes, there is! Go forth, Boba Fett, and bring me some Maalox Max!"

"Ha! Why should I do that?"

"Because I have a tentacle around your leg! And, only Maalox Max has the power to cure bloating, heartburn, _and_ gas!"

"What about your indigestion?"

"I already have Peptobismal. It's very abundant in the Dune Sea."

"Really?"

"Oh, yeah. Hey, quit that! My grip is IRON!" the Sarlacc warned as Boba tried to pry the tentacle from his leg. Boba quickly ceased when the tentacle tightened.

"OK, well, uh, I'll get you your 'Maalox Max'"

"There is no promise you can make that I can trust"

"Uh, you could give me my gun back if I do it?"

"Hmm...yes! I could. But I still don't trust you. So, I'll send my flying devil-spawn, whom I have for no apparent reason! They'll keep you on track"

"Erm, right" of course, he was secretly plotting their destruction even as the Sarlacc...boomed.

Be back within one week, or they shall kill you, strip you, and bring me your corpse for consumption."

Boba Fett looked at him, disgusted.

"What!? It was the armor that gave me these stomach problems; I'd _have_ to strip you!"

"Still...eew!"

"Well, you'd be dead anyway, so it wouldn't matter," the Sarlacc was getting rather flustered, not looking forward himself to seeing BOBA FETT in the nude.

"Um, OK, so one week, Boba Fett mentally calculated. "There's no way I can do it! You might as well strip me now!"

"Thank you...but, NO! You _will_ find me Maalox Max!"

"But, your...worminess! T'would be impossible! Someone must have cracked the codes to get into my ship by now!"

"I think you shall find that the codes that guard your ship remain 'uncracked.'"

"How would you know that?" Boba gave him a strange look. "You're not one of those..._stalker_ Sarlaccs, are you?" he queried, getting worried.

"Of course not, you perverted little man! But you've only been in my stomach for an hour, and surely the great Boba Fett's security systems would last for more that an hour?"

"Oh. OK. As long as you're not a _stalker_ Sarlacc."

So Boba Fett's leg was released and he went on his merry way. He was meant to be finding Maalox Max, but he went to the Laundromat instead. After all, the Sarlacc couldn't _really_ have flying it?

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OK, I know this chapter wasn't the best; I swear it gets better in the next chapter. PLEASE just read it! And maybe review? :)


	2. II Mos Eisley Laundromat

Yay TFKAK, my only reviewer! Thank you for paying homage to the story. Lol. :D

Anyway, on to the next chapter. I'm not going to do the whole disclaimer thing again, because there's nothing to disclaim that wasn't previously disclaimed. So there. :P

**II. Mos Eisley Laundromat**

Boba Fett strutted into the Mos Eisley Laundromat. All looked up from their detergent and loads, horrified that this man was still alive. Or maybe it was just the smell. Perhaps it was the uncleanliness of it all. Anyhow, they were all scared.

Boba, happy that he had instilled fear in being once again (one way or another...), went up to the detergent machine to get his little cup of blue soapy stuff. After exchanging a quarter credit piece for the wrong type of detergent (bleach isn't good for _green_ armor!), blasting the machine, and retrieving the right detergent, Fett was ready to do the laundry. Except for one thing.

_No way am I getting undressed in front of all these people._

Fett glanced around, noting a bathroom, which he proceeded to "duck into."

Inside the stall he took off his armor, revealing a pair of stunning blue boxers and a white sleeveless shirt. I know. Too much information.

But there was a problem. No one was allowed to see Boba Fett's face. They must die were they to see Boba Fett's face!

_What to do, what to do..._

It wasn't like there was anything but toilet paper in the stall. And he very well couldn't wrap his head in toilet paper.

_Eew..._

He looked at the helmet. It _was_ probably the least affected item. He could wash it on the ship once he got off-planet, thought it wouldn't be as good

With a sigh Boba placed the helmet back on his head. Being feared throughout the galaxy was hard work.

* * *

Now, while this was going on in the bathroom, the people in the Laundromat had a greater and greater sense of foreboding. Surely Boba Fett was not here merely to wash clothes with the commoners; he must have a secret agenda. Therefore, all were staring as the bathroom door opened

Imagine, if you will, the greatest fear you've ever felt, all because of one human. Imagine seeing a door open to reveal this terrible being. Let's add some smoke for good measure, shall we? You see the figure step forward; your heart is beating hard. The figure emerges from the fog, to reveal a man in boxers and a thin white shirt, wearing a single piece of armor: a helmet, concealing his features. He's carrying a pile of armor and balancing a precariously placed cup of detergent.

Actually, it's pretty funny.

Until the guy who dared to chuckle gets a poison dart in the neck.

Funny how things like that can wreck the mood of a room....


	3. III For My Daughter! Really!

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Mehehehe! Reviews! I will respond, that is what I like to do. :D

GreatOne: Thankyou so much for reading! I love all your stuff. I hate the EU writers, too. And, while Han is my single favorite character, Boba is a very close second. So I don't mind him lurking around, except for in that wierd Young Jedi Knights book where he just randomly turned up, and I was like "Wha?"

your stupid sister: For anyone that was wondering, this actually IS my stupid sister. Heh heh, I should just delete her review. But I'll get back at her...somehow....

Lightbulby: Yay! I made someone go into hysterics! The goal of all humor writers. :D

More Disclaimer: I don't own McDonalds. Nor would I want to. Burger King all da way! But I do own Bill. I own ALL of Bill. Except for him being a Twi'lek, I think George owns that...

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**III. For my daughter! Really!**

Boba Fett left the Laundromat looking very kewl in his clean'n'spiffy armor. At least, that was what the detergent machine had said before he'd ripped it apart. Fett thought he looked more _shiny_ than _spiffy_, but whatever.

GRUMBLE. GR-UMBLE UMBLE.

_Oh, shut up!_

GRUMBLEY...UMBLEY UMBLEY!

_Fine! Be that way!_

And so, at the urgings of his stomach, Boba Fett went into McDonalds.

"Oh, man..."

For, you see, all the people who had seen him in his underwear at the Laundromat were magically at the McDonalds. Even the corpse of the guy who laughed at him (a small girl was convinced the corpse was her dolly, though it had started to ooze green fluid out the ears and nose. Ugg. Not pretty.).

Ok, just breathe... 

Fett inhaled then took one step forward. All the staring people took one step back. This just might not be so bad. Fett was now relaxed and strutted over to the counter, which was seemingly devoid of humanoid life, save for one small Twi'lek in McDonalds uniform. Its twin lekku were twitching wildly, giving way to the fact that the being was EXTREMELY nervous.

But then, who wouldn't be?

"H-hello, welcome to McDonalds. Can I take you ord...order?"

"Yes..." Boba looked at the Twi'lek's nametag, "...Bill. I'll have a big Mac with extra tomatoes. You motto is 'Have it You Way,' isn't it?"

"Un, no, sir, that would be, uh, Burger King..."

"Well!" Boba roared. He was very good at this. "You'd better give me the extra tomatoes, or I may just become a disgruntled customer! "

Oh, how he loved acting like a jerk and getting away with it just because he could kill people! Of course, his sucky dialogue could have been a factor in those deaths...or it could just be a temporary brain depletion on the part of the author...

The Twi'lek shrank back from the raging bounty hunter. "I'll get it right away!"

Boba grabbed Bill's collar. "You'd better. And one more thing. I'm going to need a Happy Meal too."

Bill gave him a quizzical look. "Ok..."

"It's for my daughter! I swear! I'm--SHE'S collecting the Barbie figurines!"

Bill stared straight into the armor's visor. Suddenly he cracked up.

"Yeah, I'm _SO _sure! Even if you had a daughter, like _you_ would care about her! Heck, you probably talk to a woman long enough to _have_ a daughter!"

Boba grabbed Bill tighter and pulled him close enough that the Twi'lek could just see the outlines of Boba's eyes. That was more than enough to shut the twerp up. Boba wished he could take the helmet off; it would have been so much more effective. But no.

"I change my order. I'll have that to go. And I'll add on an extra 300 credits to the bill for you."


	4. IV He DOES Have Flying Devil Spawn!

I am posting! Yay! This has really taken me too long. I'm sorry. (hangs head) Well, it's ready now. Actually, it's been ready for a long time. I have 14 chapters written, I think, but it's all handwritten in an old school notebook, so it's going to take a while to actually type up.

BTW, I forgot to thank her, but TFKAK is actually somewhat of a beta reader when I was writing this stuff last year. Choir was made a lot more interesting when we talked about the bloating properties of Sarlaccs, lol.

**Reviews:**

Lightbulby: Ha, I know the pains of writing essays. I was told that I was taking EASY civics! The liars...Yes, please don't rule out brain depletion on my part. There's actually a whole chapter on it further along. I think it was written so that TFKAK wouldn't get impatient, but I decided to keep it because it highlighted the struggles of writer's block, especially when you know how something's meant to end! Garr!

Infamous One: But does McDonald's give away Hello Kitty toys? Maybe. I just always remember those goofy little barbie figurines with the prom dresses and stuff that were too tall to go out with my brother's action figures and too short to go out with a regular sized Ken.

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**IV. He DOES have flying devil-spawn!**

Boba Fett left the McDonald's with a Barbie Figurine, his extra tomatoes, and a new Twi'lek slave. As he had expected, no one much objected to him taking Bill. Or at least, they were too cowardly to say anything. Typical pathetic weaklings.

But there was something about Bill that had caught Fett's attention. In that brief moment of braveness when Bill had insulted his ability to...you know, Boba had seen something he liked. Twi'lek's were notorious for being shaking balls of slime, too cowardly to act. But Fett had seen Bill break out of the stereotype and almost surprise him. Not _actually_ surprise him, of course, because no one surprised Boba Fett, but almost.

So he had bought him. No big deal. He could always kill him later if it turned out he was useless.

"Hurry up, we haven't got all day."

"Sorry." Bill wasn't taking to being bought too well. The way he figured, he had maybe three days before Fett blew a fuse and killed him, just because. Maybe. Or he could have a bounty on his head. Either way, he was a fried chicken.

No that, you know, he WAS a fried chicken, but if he had been, he would have kept his big mouth shut.

"Uh, where are we going?"

"Mos Eisley cantina. Most of the jobs I was for were Jabba's. Gotta get the latest news."

"Oh."

Bill still hadn't worked up the courage to ask what was going to happen to him. Or maybe he had already learnt that no one wanted to hear his voice. Interesting, Fett thought. 

They entered the cantina, and everyone inside was instantly silent. Yes, it's _so_ cliché, but this alien at the bar had these pins that he bristled when he was really scared. And you could really hear them hit the ground. 

Fett took a step forward. his helmet a dark shadow against the Tatooine suns' glares. At that moment there came a great fluttering outside, like millions of beating wings.Actually, it was 973, 986 wings, 6 for every creature, totaling 162,331 actual creatures. But it looked like a heck of a lot more. 

"What on...whoa! He DOES have flying devil-spawn.!" 

Millions of tiny voices squeaked together. (Actually, only 162,331. But millions sounds so much better.) "You, Boba Fett, are a very naughty boy! Naughty naughty! Now we have to spank you!" The devil-spawn formed a hand and spanked Boba's tooshie. 

"Ow! Stop it!" Boba whined, rubbing his butt. Lotion would be needed here to heal the sores. 

"Why are you so off course? The master is waiting." 

"Well, uh, I'm just...taking a breather?" 

"No time! The master's bloating pains him greatly! And the gas is killing his social life." Find the Maalox Max!" Suddenly the little bitty claws of all 162,331 devil-spawn grabbed on to Boba, who grabbed Bill as the creatures began to lift him into the sky 

"Don't touch me there! I just want to be friends!" Bill grinned maniacally. 

"Shut up, it's just your arm. Help me down from here! Tug!" 

So Bill tugged with all his might. (Not really, because he wanted to be rid of Boba. But for the sake of the story, let us pretend that he did.) But then Bill just got lifted off the ground by the devil-spawn (who were surprisingly strong for such small creatures). As they said adíos to Mos Eisley, Boba's barbie figurine fell out the happy meal box and went careening down, landing with a smash on a small vendor's stand. 

"No! I--MY DAUGHTER needs that!" 

Bill again laughed his head off. almost literally. really, it started to crack at the base of his neck. 

"Shut up or I'll drop you!" 

So Bill shut up. Duh. How would you like to be dropped from heights of several hundred feet to be shattered into tiny pieces like a barbie figurine?

A few minutes later the flying devil-spawn dropped Boba, still slinging to Bill, outside the Slave I. "Now that you're at the ship, you should have no trouble locating the master's Maalox Max."

With that the flying devil-spawn (all 162,331 of them!) shot into the distance.

Bill turned and stared at Fett. Fett stared at Bill. Bill stared some more, sourly.

"What the heck was that?"


	5. V Is anyone reading these titles? Anyone...

Yay for reviews! I love you people!

JadeScarlet: Thankyou! I got another LOL, I appreciate LOLs. They are very special.

Lightbulby: Heh heh, just what I always wanted, to make people's heads explode....by the way, I love your fic about the dinner party. I read it a loooong time ago, way before I got an account.

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**V. Is anyone reading these titles? Anyone?**

After explaining the situation to Bill over the course of _many_ hours, Boba was pooped. Not literally, of course, because a grown man messing himself would just be gross. But in that...non literal way. Anyway, all Boba wanted to do was go to his bed and sleep. But Bill was sitting in a daze. Information overload, apparently.

"Wow, wow, wow...wow! Wow! Wow--"

"Would you shut up? I've got a migraine."

"But--but--wow...wow...wow..."

Fett screamed in agony. Then he saw the obvious solution. He was going to have to...dispose of Bill. But no, he'd paid 300 creds for this moron; he might as well get some entertainment out of the imbecile. He wondered if that mutant felinx pit on Malastare had been shut down yet...

Suddenly Bill stopped acting like an idiot (a welcome changed) and grinned at Boba.

"All done."

The author retracts the previous comment and replaces it with "Bill stopped acting like an idiot A BIT."

Boba glared at him. "Then get in my ship already!" Note he didn't say "the ship." Boba Fett is very possessive.

"Okie!"

Fett sighed. If this kept up the whole trip, Bill might find himself jettisoned out the air lock.

Bill and Boba walked on to the ship, where Fett proceeded to plot a course for Coruscant. Surely the center of the galaxy would have some Maalox Max. Right? Fett shoved the thoughts out of his mind and walked back to where Bill was now sitting on a metal stool eating bread. "What the heck are you doing?"

Bill grinned. Through a mouthful of bread, he made noises that sounded like," Gmpfh abug shmoof garamp shlump."

Fett sighed. "Swallow."

Bill did as instructed and spoke. "Well, here was all this bread just sitting in your ship supplies, and it smelled really good. So I ate it."

"OK...wait, where'd you say you got it? Gimme that!" Fett grabbed some bread, tore off his helmet, and bit some off, chewing slowly. Horror spread across his face.

"You idiot! This is my drugged...bread..."

But Bill was already asleep on the floor and Boba was slowly joining him. Before he went into slumber he punched in new coordinates.

"Gosh durn it, Bill..."


	6. VI To the Fett mobile!

Felt bad about being such a lousy poster, so I gave ya two chappies today!

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**VI. To the Fett-mobile!**

The two, Bill and Boba, awoke from their drug-induced slumber to the sound of the ship docking. That or masses of Fett fangirls trying to rip apart the ship to find the beloved. Frankly, Boba and Bill preferred the former theory. Boba because he knew where they were, and Bill because he sill thought Fett was not desirable to women in THAT WAY.

"Come on, Bill," Fett grabbed his helmet and shoved it on his head. As far as he knew, Bill still hadn't seen his face. Very, very good. Fett was shocked at his own carelessness in removing the helmet and vowed never to accidentally eat his own drugged bread again.

:"Where are we? If this was Coruscant, we'd have been squished and burned by now." Bill had to run to keep up with the bounty hunter, who was striding towards the airlock. "I mean, there are SQUISHY and BURNY things on Coruscant. LOTS of burny things!"

"That hippy drugged bread can really fry the brain, you know. Maybe you SHOULDN'T EAT IT!"

"But it smelled _really good_!" Bill was such a whiner.

"Toxic flowers on Kashyyyk smell really good, too. But do you think the Wookiees eat them? NO! Why not? BECAUSE THEY'RE **TOXIC**!"

Bill started sniffling. "S-stop yelling at me!" Then it turned to full-out bawling. "YOU HATE ME--EVERYONE HATES ME---WHY DOES EVERYONE HATE ME--I'M REALLY NICE--EVERYONE HATES ME!"

_Joy. Drugged, depressed. Twi'leks. Greaaat..._

"(sigh) No one hates you, Bill. You just need to not eat hippy bread. Then people will like you more." _Trust me..._

"R-really?"

"Yes. Now get off my ship." The airlock opened to reveal a cave full of advanced mechanics."

"Whoa, what is _this_?"

"The Fett-cave," Boba said, annoyed.

"Well, then there should be some sort of sign!"

"There is," Boba replied dryly, pointing to the neon, sparkly, glowing sign. That's right, neon, sparkly, AND glowing, all at the same time! And it did, indeed, say "THE FETT-CAVE."

"Huh. Cool."

"Toldya. Anyway, if you don't mind...." Fett grabbed Bill's arm and dragged him off the SLAVE I. "To the Fett-mobile! Na na na na na na na na BOBA!"

"Huh?"

"(sigh) It's my theme song! It sounds cool."

"Awesome...can I have one?"

"If you must, but I'm not picking..."

With that, they jumped into the Fett-mobile, Boba gave Bill some stupidity antidote to counteract the bread (which was starting to wear off anyway), and they were on their way to Coruscant. Again. But this time Bill didn't eat anything drugged.

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P.S. I don't own Batman, the Bat cave, the Bat mobile, or his theme song. Although it would be totally rockin' if I did! 


	7. VII ROAD TRIP!

I'm back! I had to go to Florida. I hate Florida. Anyway, I am almost finished with this one thing I do that causes me to have no free time whatsoever, so I will be ready to update a bunch soon. When I feel like typing. Which is always, by the way.

**Reviews:**

Lightbulby - hee hee, I love the theme song too. I actually go around singing it sometimes. It's quite disturbing

Infamous One - No. He does not own a Fett-a-rang. That would be interesting...anti-slave-escape mechanism....

Moreta Lynx - Bill is really rather stupid, as will be demonstrated by later chapters. But you are right to feel sorry for him, for he is now at the mercy of Fett...

P.S. This is a short chapter! Forgive me! It is not the only one that shall be updated!

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**VII. ROAD TRIP!**

"Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we--"

"SHUT UP!" Fett roared. "We're obviously not there yet if we haven't even LEFT THE SPACEDOCK!" He then began to mutter about permanent damage from hippy-bread.

"FINE! Be that way." Bill crossed his arms and stared out the window.

_Don't tell me I bought a teenage Twi'lek. Anything but a TEENAGE TWI'LEK. NO TEENAGE TWI'LEKS!_

"How old are you, Bill?"

"Seventeen."

_NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!_

"But in standard years, that's 22."

"Oh. Gooooooood..." Boba then took the Fett-mobile out of the dock. It was fun. So fun that they threw a party! Well, Bill threw a party. Fett sat there with his arms crossed as Bill placed a party hat on his head and sprinkled confetti all over him. But Boba got his revenge by making Bill clean it up with his hand-held Bissell.

"_You_ have a vacuum cleaner?"

"Prisoners tend to be very dirty, especially if you're about to deliver them to an evil crime lord bent on their destruction."

"Oh." There was a pause. "Still, it's kinda creepy!"

"Just shut up, PLEASE!"

"Wow! You said...please!"

Boba then proceeded to grab the complimentary in-flight pillow and scream into it.


	8. VIII The milk that we drink

As promised, another chapter. And this one is actually based on a teacher I had in eigth grade and a very disturbing class conversation that took place about milk...

**VII. The milk that we drink...**

"Do you have a holotv?" Bill was sprawled across a seat in the Fettmobile, bored.

"...no..."

"Don't lie to me! That's...mean!"

"Fine." Boba sighed. Press the red button. The one marked...holotv."

"Oh." As you might have guessed, Bill is still recovering from the whole drugged-hippy-bread ordeal. Apparently, Twi'leks are very susceptible to stupidity poisoning. Go figure.

"Boba there's nothing on!" Bill whined, flicking through the channels.

"Do NOT call me by my first name! You shall refer to me as 'Your Lordship.'"

"Yes, Your Lordship."

"Very good. Now, I am going to pick a channel at random and you will watch it...this one!"

"((You will notice that the second calf is causing the mother nerf some stress. She is quite exhausted from delivering the first calf))"

"But not that! That was just a...practice. THIS is the real thing!"

"But I wanna watch the nerf giving birth!"

"No," Boba suddered. "You don't. Trust me."The holotv was now set on a channel with a lady who looked very boring talking about very boring things and genrally being/giving an aura of boredom (boring).

"((So...why...can't...babies...drink...nerf...milk?))" She was giving a lecture to a group of students who appeared to be either asleep or dead. Her lecture was that painful.

She answered her own question. "((The milk...that WE drink...is much too rich in...vitamins. Babies need...wet nurses. But...you all...already knew that. DIDN'T YOU?))" She suddenly shouted, still with no emotion, bringing her students back from the dead.

"((Because it's...big long E word?))" She glanced at everyone but they just stared back. "((That's right. Erginigirimmable.))"

Then came a message, saying "((Thank you for watching the boring channel. Please donate, so we can continue to screw with your lives.))"

Boba and Bill stared at each other and the holotv in confusion. Boba reached over and hit the red button.

"Let's pretend that never happened..."


	9. IX Coruscant The Place of Burny Things! ...

Hee hee, reviews!

Lightbulby: I know, Fett with a vacuum cleaner is like Fett in an apron. WE DON'T WANT TO GO THERE! And yet I did...

Lightbulby: Yay! Two reviews! Birth shows suck, like those ones they always have on TLC where they explain every single detail about the entire pregnancy and...blech.

Infamous One:I know, I dislike nerfs in general...

Disclaimer: I don't own Tums.

**IX. Coruscant – The Place of Burny Things! (Like Beans)**

"Wow, we're actually on Coruscant! Did you know that people on Coruscant don't need wet nurses?"

"Yes. I mean, NO! I mean…IT NEVER HAPPENED, I SWEAR!" Fett was very distraught at the memory of that weird lady.** Very** distraught.

"Fine, fine, fine. It never happened."

Bill and Fett were walking along the street in downtown Coruscant. Not that there really_ is _a downtown Coruscant, in the most literal sense of the word. Because, as we are so often reminded by EVERY SINGLE EU WRITER, even the lowest life forms live on at least level 15 or so, technically making them "up." But anyway...

Fett was glancing around casually, when he saw a common store and dragged Bill in.

"Do you have any...Maalox Max?" he said to the clerk at the counter.

"You know, you're the twelfth person to ask that since lunch." The clerk was obviously very agitated. "And the answer is still the same! NO! The bean epidemic has gotten worse, and there's no Maalox Max left! I do have some Tums...or some Peptobismal..."

"Well, what about Peptobismal? Remember those commercials? 'Bloating, heartburn, upset stomach, indigestion, diarrhea! Hey, Peptobismal!'"

"You _believe_that garbage?" Fett said dryly."Peptobismal is only good for indigestion. The rest is lies. All LIES!" He turned back to the clerk."What do you mean, 'bean epidemic'?"

"Where have you been for the past three days, in a bottomless pit of a monster who spit you out then told you to do his evil bidding and caused you to be stuck in a small ship with a complete idiot for hours on end?" The shopkeeper glanced at Boba, then Bill, then back to Boba. "Oh."

"Just tell me what the bean epidemic is!" Boba held up his blaster and aimed it at the clerk's forehead, sick of the incessant jabbering.

"OK, OK, no need to get jumpy! Sorry, it's been a long day..."

"BEAN EPIDEMIC!" Boba roared.

"Yeah!" Bill stepped forward. "Or we'll, uh, kill you. Yeah..." The clerk just gave Bill a withering look as the Twi'lek shrunk back.

"_Any_way, there was an overabundance of spicy beans on Dantooine, so they decided to sell them off cheap. _Very_ cheap. Everyone knows eating too many beans gives you bloating, heartburn, and gas, but they couldn't help themselves when they saw the price! Now everyone needs Maalox Max, because it's the only medication with the power to stop heartburn, bloating, AND gas!"

"AMEN!" Bill piped in.

"I hate to say it, boys," the clerk continued, "but I think we got ourselves a Maalox Max depression!"

It was the same in every store. No Maalox Max. But beans at dirt cheap prices!


	10. X Bloating, Gas, Heartburn, and Bobio?

**Reviews: **

Infamous One: Heh heh, you shall feel even sorrier for him soon. Or maybe not, I think things get a little better. But then they get worse! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Ahem. Erm, yes...

Lightbulby: Yes, beans be bad. I hate beans. Especially when they are vegetarian baked beans. How does one eat baked beans without bacon in them? Tell that to my mother...

Disclaimer: I do not own Fabio. Oh my gosh, thank the LORDI do not own Fabio. Eew...he's icky.

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**X. Bloating, Gas, Heartburn, and...Bobio?**

Bill and Boba sat in the Fettmobile, surrounded by Dantooine Spice Beans. They, too, could fight the cheapskate consumer inside and had been set into a bean-buying frenzy.

"Boba?" Fett glared at Bill. "I mean, Your Lordship? Are we gonna die?"

"It doesn't look too good. If the devil-spawn don't get us, the stench from you bean-farts will."

"Eew. Too much information."

"Well, it's true!" Boba roared. He seemed to be doing a lot of roaring lately. "The gaseous stink that comes from your rear end smells like rotten rutabagas. ONLY THEY ROTTED IN A CORPSE!" Boba was so ticked off that he had to throw _something _at Bill. But everything was covered in beans. Everything except...

Before he could come to his sense, Boba had ripped off his helmet and thrown it at Bill, who sank into the beans from the impact. Realizing his terrible error, Boba also dove into the beans, trying to conceal his face. He held his breath as long as he could, but eventually he had to come up for air...

* * *

Bill rose from the beans and pressed the large, tender bump forming on his forehead. Then he noticed it was oddly quiet. Fett wasn't yelling at him! Bill smiled in joy. Where was Fett, anyway...? 

As Bill thought these things, a head broke the surface of the beans. Gasping for air, Boba Fett revealed his face through the locks of dark hair draped across it.

"Who are you?" Bill was in awe.

"Who do you think I am? You mother?"

"But you're...a hunk! I am so confused..." Bill grabbed his head and started rocking back and forth.

"This is why I wear a helmet," Fett muttered.

"Weird, it's like, Fabio! Only...Bobio!"

"JUST SHUT UP!" Fett really was roaring a lot. That's very bad for the vocal chords, you know. "Just give me my helmet!"

Bill handed it over, still in awe that was actually (gasp) handsome! Boba pulled the helmet on and then shot Bill with a dart.

"By tomorrow he'll have forgotten everything."

Some things are just better forgotten.

Then Boba ate baked beans, bean soufflé, bean casserole, bean cookies, chicken-shaped beans, and bean milkshakes. Now let's guess who might need some Maalox Max, hmmn?


	11. XI On The Road Again Sing It With Me!

OK,I had to update again, because I desperately want to get this thing up so I can do the next chapter, XII. It is my very favorite, even thought I don't think it's particularly well-written. But you'll see why, trust me.

Disclaimer: I don't own Shrek, which is where I got the title from (a line that Donkey says)

**XI. On The Road Again (Sing it With Me!)**

When Bill rose from the depths of drugged sleep, the Fett-Mobile was once again   
in flight.

"Where are we? What happened?"

"You, uh, slipped and fell. On the beans." Boba didn't look at Bill.

"Huh. I guess so. Where are all the beans?"

Boba hung his head. "I ate them."

"Oh. Well, where are we going?"

"To someone who just might be able to help us."

"Oh. OK." Bill was being very sensible. How odd.

"Are you OK, Bill? Is there something I need to know about?"

"No."

"Ok. Then. That's that." Boba turned back to the viewscreen in his pilot's   
chair. It was so...quiet without Bill's incessant yabbering. So...boring.

_Please do NOT tell me I actually value Bill's companionship! That's   
just...creepy!   
_   
And yet...life would be so boring right now if it weren't for Bill. All the   
experiences he wouldn't have had, like bean-diving, and hippy-bread-induced   
slumber! Hmmn. He actually would be better off without Bill. But who cared, as long as he had some shudder fun.

"Bill, what would you say if I told you that cherries are alive?"

"I would say that you're crazy. Or stupid. Or both."

"Gooood. What would you say if I told you that your mother was a bantha?"

"Nothing."

"Really?"

" 'Course not. A bullet speaks a thousand words."

"Niiiice. And now, for my final question. Are you...a potato?"

"Yes. A potato has many "eyes," as do I."

"Congratulations, Bill. You just passed a test I randomly made up beacuse I was   
bored and had nothing better to do and just wasted 5 minutes of your life by   
having you answer."

"Oh. Cool."

The silence was, once again, stifling. Fett could bear it no longer.

"YOU ARE THE MOST BOING SLAVE EVER! YOU DO NOTHING! DO SOMETHING STUPID, THAT I MAY REVEL IN MY SUPERIOR INTELLECT!"

"NO!" Bill was indignant.

"And why not?" Fett forced the words through his teeth with icy coldness.

"Cause that's false advertising. I was only stoopid coz I was drugged! False   
advertising is ill-ee-gal!"

"AND YOU THINK BOUNTY HUNTING ISN'T?!?!?!?!" Fet screamed in agitation.

As Fett threw a fit, Bill grinned, his job of entertainment well done.


	12. XII Bobo Loves You! Yes, He Does

I love this chapter! I don't know if you all will, but I do. The reason is because I wrote my friend in. Not TFKAK (although I have plans for her...heh heh heh heh...), but one of TFKAK's best friends and one of my good friends. I know she doesn't hate me for this, but I still feel very odd writing her like this.

Disclaimer: I do not own Momo. She owns herself

**XII. Bobo loves you! Yes, he does.**

Boba and Bill arrived at Nar Shaddaa, also known as the smuggler's moon, neither in a very good mood. Boba was irritated that Bill had not said anything overly stupid for at least 24 hours, and Bill was his usual, stubborn, surly, un-drugged self. In other words, he was annoyed he didn't get his last paycheck from McDonalds.

"Are we there yet?"

"YES, Bill! Why do you think we would have left the Fett-Mobile if we weren't 'there'?"

"Potty break?"

"NO!" Hopefully, Boba Fett doesn't want to be a singer. All this roaring is probably killing his vocal chords. "Boba Fett does not take 'Potty Breaks'! Boba Fett has in-ship plumbing!"

"Oh. I wish I knew that before..." Bill murmered.

"Whatever. Just shut up until we get to...where we're going. The toxic fumes on Nar Shaddaa must be affecting your brain. Luckily, **I** have a built-in filter in my helmet!"

"Actually, there _are _no toxic fumes on Nar Shadaa, they were all eliminated by the Hutts, who are very sensitive to such fumes. Also, while Twi'leks are suceptible to stupidity poisoning, they are _highly_ resistant to toxic fumes, and--"

"SILENCE!"

Boba and Bill walked in silence until they reached a theater with large purple writing on the front that read:

See Momo.

LIVE!

"Who's Momo?" Bill asked. Fett silenced him with a wave of hand as he strode into the theater, dragging the Twi'lek behind him.

"Momo, my dearest! Your darling 'Bobo' is here!" Fett called in an odd stage voice.

"Bobo?" Bill stared at the bounty hunter incredulously.

"Shut up. Momo? Where **are** you?" he trilled. Yes. I said trilled. Force help us all.

"Boba? Is that you?" A figure emerged from behind the curtain of the stage. Dressed in a red glittery number, a female human with light brown hair in a high bun, curls escaping randomly, glided down the stage stairs. Her hazel-green eyes had a fierce, fiery death glare.

Bill thought she was rather ugly, actually.

But then, Bill was a Twi'lek. Which made him rather stupid. And meant he knew nothing about the attractiveness of humans (Except Fabio, of course. Because Fabio is always an exception!). So, in actuality, Bill's perception of Boba (the ugly thing, because he can't remember 'Bobio') was **extremely** lucky to have someone this good-looking.

"Boba Fett, you awful man! I ought to slap you!"

So she did. Slap him, I mean.

"But, Momo! What did I do wrong?"

"What did you do wrong? What did you do WRONG? You didn't call for a whole...4.72 days! I thought you were dead!"

"Well, I almost was. I got...eaten."

"Eaten! You expect me to believe that?"

"Actually, he was," Bill piped up. "I saw the Devil-Spawn. They carried us into the sky! Wheeee!" Bill was as enthusiastic as a 4-year-old with a new toy he was explaining to his friends. How screwed up.

"Oh, darling Bobie-wobie, are you OK? What exactly happened? Tell me everything, darling." Momo squeezed Boba in a hug.

"The big nasty Sarlacc swallowed me up!" Boba explained, then changed his tone at Bill's mocking face. "I mean, I, uh, conquered a mighty jungle beast!" he explained in a deepened voice.

Bill snorted. "Yeah, right! The Dune Sea is hardly what I'd call a 'jungle'. And, as I recall, the Sarlacc **got sick** from 'Bobo' here and _spat him out_!"

Boba glared at Bill but went ahead and continued to fawn over Momo. "Boba loves you. Yes, he does..."

Bill made a gagging noise as Momo and Fett sat in the front row of the theater to catch up on old times. AKA 4.72 days.


	13. XIII Of Maalox Max And Glaring Looks

This chappie is incredibly short, so I shall be doing XIV as well, which is also short. Perhaps I should just post the rest of the story. It only goes through XVII. I don't know. I'll go along as I please...I'll type until my fingers get tired....

**Reviews:**  
Infamous One: Ha ha, I love your reaction! Was that to Momo? Or Fett? Or Fett AND Momo? Heh heh heh heh...

Lightbulby: No, Bill is straight, trust me (cackles)...Fett and Bill's relationship is strictly professional. By which I mean that Fett will kill Bill at any time if he feels it necessary. :D

**

* * *

**

**XIII. Of Maalox Max And Glaring Looks **

"So, darling dearest Momo, you see, we must get the beast some Maalox Max or he will eat us!" Boba had just finished telling his story of horrors and beans and gas to Momo. Wait, horrors and beans and gas? That's rather redundant.

"No, he'll eat _you._ He never said he'd eat _me. _You dragged me into this yourself!" Almost literally, for Bill had been so depressed after being bought from McDonald's that he had barely been able to walk to the Cantina.

"Yes, dear, but _he's_ the only one I care about." Momo gave Bill a toothy, evil smile then turned back to Fett. "I'm so sorry Bobo, but I've been trying to get Maalox for ages. Everyone's sold out!"

"What am I gonna do! He's gonna eat me. And STRIP me!"

"In 2.28 days!" Bill stuck in. Momo gave him a 'you are so stupid' look.

"3 days. Bobie just hadn't called me for .72 days before that. Besides which, we would be at 4.8 days by now." Bill stared at her, an obvious 'huh?' on his face.

"Anyway, dearest Bobo, you could always use the 'special' stuff..."

"No! I cannot deplete those supplies, or there would be dire consequences. DIRE!"

"Um, wait. You're telling me there is actually some Maalox Max accessible?" Bill looked shocked, and a little dubious. Why had he not been informed of this! He was being...left out of the loop.

"Mom, tell him no more! He knows too much!"

"Enough with the drama! You'd think this was a soap opera or something!" Bill pouted, crossing his arms.

"Bill, SHUT UP! This is the way you do things in the theater!" Boba made a sweeping gesture at their surroundings.

"Anyway, if you boys are finished squabbling, I suggest you get your butts moving to find some Maalox max before the Sarlacc eats you."

"Boba's the only one he's gonna--"

"MOVE YOUR BUTT TO GET MY BOBIE SOME MAALOX MAX!"

"Yes my queen of death and pain whom I fear greatly and hope will not hurt me!" Bill muttered as he scooted backwards to the door, bowing towards Momo as he went.

And so Boba and Bill set off to search for some Maalox Max. And I'm so sure they're going to find some...

The idiots.


	14. XIV So I've Depleted My Creativity on Pr...

Ok, this is the chapter that I told you guys about, the one where I get all mad at writer's block. And it's majorly short. It's all nutzo, but it ties in to the next chapter, which I like. So you might want to still read it. Also, disregard all the stuff I said about flaming me, because I would really enjoy NOT finding a bunch of flames. Please?

**XIV. So I've Depleted My Creativity on Previous Chapter Titles. Sue Me!**

"Gods, you are stupid!"

Yes, our chapter begins like this. See title, but instead of 'chapter titles' put in 'chapters.' And then flame me all you want. :P

Anway, back to the story.

"Gods, you are stupid!"

"Hey, you just said that!" Bill retorted.

Yes, Billy dearest, but the author needs to gather her thoughts and figure out what to do with this hole she's dug herself into. SO SHUT THE FRINK UP!

"Well, you are stupid. Because I said so. Twice. Wanna debate it?" Fett pointed the muzzle of his blaster at Bill's nose.

"No, you're right! I'm stupid! Better to be stupid than dead..." he muttered under his breath.

"I thought you'd see things my way..."

Fett and Bill were still on the Fettmobile, heading to Corellia to pick up some Maalox Max, if they could find any. How are they allowed to visit 4 planets in less than a week? Well, because the Fettmobile is really, really fast. Because I said so. And because if it wasn't my whole story would have to be flushed down the toilet, with the rest of the crap.

"You do know that there isn't going to be any Maalox Max on Corellia. They import strictly Dantooine foodstuffs."

"I WILL FIND MY MAALOX MAX!"

"Right...right..."

"Ye dare to mock me?"

"Well...yeah."

And that was the moment when suddenly, Bill had an overwhelming need for medpacs.


	15. XV I gush, you gush, we all gush blood!

I felt bad about the last chapter, so I had to put this up. I am aware that I have given away my element of suspense by posting multiple chapters at one time. But, hey, you don't HAVE to read them all at once! :D

**XV. I gush, you gush, we all gush blood!**

Corellia. It wasn't a very pretty place, to be honest. Especially when Bill started bleeding all over it.

"Can I please see a doctor?"

"Geesh, I give you a medpac, even though this is your _own_ fault--"

"Hey! You shot me in the foot!"

Fett sighed, "Do we have to go through this _again_? It's your own fault if you're stupid enough to provoke me! Anyway, I give you a medpac, one which I had to PAY for out of my OWN bounty money, and now you're whining to see a DOCTOR? Show some gratitude, Bill. I can't be all 'give, give' and no receive! You have to work on this relationship too, you know, I can't just keep beating you without you demonstrating some gratitude!"

Bill stared at Fett in disbelief for a second. "You made a frinkin' 2 inch hole in my foot!"

"THAT is beside the point. But, if you must, here are 50 credits and the address of a good Corellian doctor. I expect to hear that you were there, Bill. I don't want you spending it on Corellian brandy. Your poor little system simply couldn't handle it, anyway."

"Erm, OK."

So, while Bill went off to see someone about the gaping hole in his foot, Fett searched all of Corellia for Maalox Max. To none of the readers' great surprise, I'm sure, he didn't end up finding any.

Aww, bummer. Sarlacc time for poor Bobie.

"You are gonna get SO eaten!" Bill laughed in mirth at Fett when they were back in the Fettmoblie.

"You wanna owe me another 50 credits?"

"No, sir, I'm sorry."

"Ah. I thought as much. Speaking of which, how is the foot doing?"

"It's kinda sore. But it stopped gushing blood, which the doctor said was good."

"It's a pity I wasted a blaster bolt on your foot, when I've obviously caused you so much pain."

"Boba! You do care!"

"YOUR LORDSHIP! And I do not care! It's just such a pity that I wasted a blaster bolt when I was obviously sick or something. Hitting you foot? I had _terrible_ aim yesterday!"

"What were you aiming for, then?"

"Do you really want to know, or would you prefer to go on in a happy delusion, thinking that I actually want you alive?"

"Oh. Never mind."

"See, This is why I didn't bring it up earlier...."

There was silence in the Fettmobile.

"Soooo...where are we going?"

"Bill. (sigh) Do you really think I'm going to tell you?"

"No, not really."

"Then why do you bother asking?!"

"I be's bored-ed."

"Would you like me to shoot you again?"

Fett grinned maniacally, though, of course, Bill couldn't see it.

"Well...it would give me something to do..." He saw Fett's blaster raise. "But no, thanks! I can, uh, entertain myself. Yeah. Holotv?"

"Heck, why not. Judge Grudy is on station 5."

So Bill and Boba bonded over other people's problems while the ship hurtled towards a-location-that-the-author-does-not-wish-to-divulge-to-the-audience-but-save-it-for-maximum-surprise. NOT because she doesn't know.

I SWEAR!


	16. XVI Bill Gets Revenge on McDonald's

Only two chapters left! Here's the next one. My apologies to Moreta Lynx, who I understand actually WORKS at McDonald's. I hate McDonald's. I'm sorry if this bugs you but...uh, I'm not changing it. Because I hate McDonald's.

DISCLAIMER: I don't own Burger King. Sigh.

**Reviews**

Infamous One: I'm glad you find Bill so incredibly irritating that you want to squeeze him til his eyes pop out, then you take them and crush them into a little pulp and squeeze his puffy head until--  
Uh, yeah. Sorry. If you hate Bill, that means that I can characterize! w00t! Mad skills!  
Dangit, I wish _I'd_ thought of throwing him into the Sarlacc....

Lightbulby: Heh heh heh, my story is like a drug. Hmm, heroine or crack?? Or maybe marijuana....  
NO! I am NOT a druggie!

**

* * *

**

**XVI. Bill Gets Revenge on McDonald's (And a Paycheck!)**

"You stole three years of my life making me flip patties and sell flaming balls of grease to Hutts who really didn't need the extra body fat. I had to dump all my morals for this lousy job, and then you don't even care when some guy wants to BUY me? And you don't even bother to send along my last paycheck? I want my minimum wage of five and a half credits an hour, and I want it NOW!"

"Hmm. I like your roariness, but it's a bit wordy. Remember, when it comes to angry speeches, less is more."

Fett was helping Bill rehearse for his meeting with McDonald's management staff on Tatooine. Yes, that's right, Boba will not be dragging the Fettmobile through any more hyperspace courses or potentially damaging turbulence caused by a planet's population having, erm...side effects from beans. Poor Boba needs to face his fate. Of course, only the author knows what it bes! BWAHAHAHAHA!

(cough) Erm, anyway...

"Oh, no, wait! I'm getting a vision! OK...we make a big sign that says "We Suck: Go Eat at Burger King" and hang it on their store front!" Fett illustrated with sweeping hand gestures.

Bill looked at Boba as impertinently as he dared. "You know, that is the _worst_ idea for revenge I have _ever _heard."

"Oh, what do you know about revenge! I'm the bounty hunter, aren't I? Besides, it was _my_ idea." Boba stroked his blaster with his gloved fingertips.

"...which means we'll use it! I'll keep them distracted while you, uh, hang it."

"I'll need to go make it, then..." Boba left the room in search of paints and such. Because, you know, EVERY bounty hunter equips his backup super speed ship with arts and crafts, for those long days with the prisoners...

"Oh golly gee, a creative project." Bill sighed, placing his hand over his forehead. Why did he let himself get bought? He wasn't ready for this kind of...artsy-ness.

_Oh yeah. Because he has a gun._

* * *

_My sign p'zones Bill's idea! Heh heh heh heh..._

Boba was admiring the loverly sign he had created with hours of delicate care. He rolled the paper up and put it in a corner until he needed it. Which turned out to be 5 minutes later when the Fettmobile landed on Tatooine.

"Weeeeeeeee're off to see the manager, the manager of Tatooine McDonalds! Because because because because becaaaaaaaaaaause...because he owes me money! Hey Your Lordship, d'you think that should be my theme song?"

"Shut up, Bill." Fett said through clenched teeth, walking beside the skipping Twi'lek through the streets of Mos Eisley. "Before I shut you up."

"Yes, sir!" Bill saluted in a very idiotic fashion and continued his skipping.

"I'm hyper! I'm hyper! I'm hyper--"

"Did you get into my bread again?"

"Noooooooooo, I'm hyper, not sleepy-drugged! Maybe I ate some hippy SUGAR!"

Fett muttered something under his breath having vaguely to do with not having rats on the Fettmobile and perhaps rewiring the mousetraps for nosy Twi'leks.

At the McDonald's Bill went inside to rant and rave whilst Boba went about chuckling evilly and attaching his sign to the store front. People were looking at him a little strangely as they devoured their Chicken McNuggets, but all he had to do was readjust his blaster and they'd stop staring. Fett fashioned a little drawstring so that he could pull the sign open, then squatted behind a bench, waiting for Bill to emerge.10 minutes later he appeared, covered in something red but grinning and clasping a bunch of credit chips.

"Bill! Did you finally take some initiative and kill someone?"

Bill looked around, bewildered, before spotting Boba crouched behind the stone bench. "Oh, there you are. No, I didn't kill anyone, I just got squirted with a whole butt-load of ketchup. but I got me money--

"--which you owe me 50 credits of."

"Oh, fine," he grumbled and dished out a few chips. "Take it. Where's the sign?"

"Right here. I've got a pull line, watch this!" Boba stood back for dramatic effect and tugged on the line, revealing...

...a hysterical Bill dropped to the floor, rolling around and grasping his stomach. "What the..." he couldn't even speak.

"What? What happened?" Fett stepped back further to look at the sign and instantly was the problem. The paint had smudged, and instead of "We Suck: Go Eat at Burger King" the sign now said "We Suck Goat" with an oddly shaped splotch at the end.

"CURSES!"


	17. XVII The Power of the Maalox

This is it, the final chapter. There are some things I have to take care of, so here are the reviews:

Lgithbulby: Yes, you might go into Bobo withdrawal. Agh. I made all my friends go into withdrawal, too. Heh heh.

Moreta Lynx: Well, that's a rather interesting little skit you have there. Heh, Boba's about to get his big gun back. Where will you be then?

Infamous One: Heh heh, I know that you hate Bill. Well, I don't know if you're going to be happy with the ending, but...I don't know, worship it anyway. Lol. :D

First and foremost, I would like to thank TFKAK. Without her goading on my crazy ideas about a bloated Boba Fett and Maalox Max, there would be no story. In fact, if it weren't for her mishearing the words "Boba Fett" when I showed her a picture I drew of him, there would be no inspiration for this story.

Some other semi-beta readers include Momo (Bobo loves you! Thanks for letting me use your likeness), Skogurt, Paris (here's laughing at you), my evil sister, and Picard (Kirk pwns joo!)

Lastly, but certainly not the least, are my wonderful readers. I love you all, especially those who reviews! Unless you don't want me to LOVE you, in which case you are all very nice people and I feel privileged to be on the receiving end of your reviews.

STAY TUNED AFTER THE FEATURE PRESENTATION FOR A QUICK ANNOUNCEMENT.

P.S. Boba swears a lot in this chapter.

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**XVII. The Power of the Maalox**

And now we find our hero drinking his troubles away in the Mos Eisley cantina, Bill as his chair. It wasn't tat he particularly cared for sitting on the bony Twi'lek's back, but he had to give an aura of authority, even if it was a drunken aura of authority.

It was too late for him now. Boba Fett was dead, as dead as one could be. He might as well resign himself to the fact that he wasn't going to be able to buy any Maalox Max from anyone in the entire galaxy. Even his old business associates, Palps and Vady, were dead and couldn't help him now.

"Bill, order me another glass of the red stuff."

"What, you mean the ketchup I squeezed out of my shirt?"

"Yeah that. Wait, I hear something." A low thrumming tone reached Fett's ear. "Ye. They're coming." He slurped up the last of his drink through the straw attached to his helmet, got off Bill, and ran outside. The 162,331 creatures were waiting.

"TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER, YOU DEVIL-SPAWNED BASTARDS!" Fett roared defiantly, spreading his arms wide and lifting his head to the glaring Tatooine sun.

"Um, ok." The beasts lifted him above the ground, taking him into the distance. Bill heard a final cry from Boba's tormented soul.

"Get back to the Fettmobile you little frinker!"

**--**

Sand. Tatooine had an awful lot of it, that much was certain, and it seemed that every grain of it on the entire planet was between Mos Eisley and the Pit of Carkoon. And these dumbass little frinkers couldn't even carry him properly.

"Loose up on the neck!"

"It's you own fault; you asked for this."

"Damn. Did you ever notice how funny that word is? Damn damn damn."

"Stop it or you shall be dropped from a thousand feet, to be eaten by the sand."

"Ha ha, then your precious master won't get his Maalox Max. Didn't think of that, didja, idjits?"

A collective sigh broke from the mouths of the devil spawn. "You will surely be eaten, you are far too impossible. The master likes his subjects submissive."

"Subject! I am NOT your frinkin' master's frinkin' subject! I--"

Fett stopped speaking to half gag up his lunch. They were at the Pit of Carkoon and the stench was unbearable/ Worse than Bill's bean farts.

"Ugh! You didn't tell me it was this bad!"

"Yes we did."

But that was _so_ many chapters ago, dears.

"BOBA FETT! Have you brought me my Maalox Max?" The Sarlacc seemed a little on edge, which was understandable, seeing as it smelled like a very dirty sewer.

"Er...no. See, the thing is--"

"SILENCE!"

"Shall we strip him, master?" The devil spawn grinned maniacally.

"Yes, but do so not in my presence."

"Wait, no!" Fett screamed as the devil spawn dove at him. "I don't want to rot in there with that stench for 1,000 years! I'll...give you some Maalox."

"I thought you had none!"

"I do. Look." Boba ripped off his helmet (revealing his stunning, chiseled features) and pulled out a small bottle from inside. "It's my private stash. I have to use it for myself, but...I can smell that you need it more." He unscrewed the lid and threw the contents into the pits.

"Thank you, Boba Fett. Already I can feel the effects of the Maalox Max. I am in your debt."

"Cool." Boba shoved his helmet on. "Now can I have my really big gun back?"

**--**

Ah, there was Bill, sitting by the Fettmobile like a good little Twi'lek slave. Boba had a bird's eye view of the twerp as the devil spawn flew him into Mos Eisley. They'd been...kind enough to offer him a ride. "We're going that way, anyway," they'd said. "The master has other minions, you know."

"Bill! I'm back!" Fett landed on the ground with a thud and shook his fist at the devil spawn as they flew off, snickering.

"Where'd you get the Maalox Max?" Bill asked incredulously.

"Personal supply."

"WHAT?! We've been running around the galaxy for Maalox Max and you HAD some?"

"Well, not using it has certain...side effects." Fett stood up. Bill fell over. He was laughing again.

"YOU'RE...BLOATED!" he gasped out. "Oh my gosh! You're so fat! It's...BOBO FAT!"

"Get on the Fettmobile. Now." Boba said through clenched teeth.

"Not! It's the _Fat_mobile! Ha ha ha ha, Bobo Fat..."

As we leave our favorite bloaty bounty hunter and drugged Twi'lek to get on the Fettmobile, we hear a loud clunk. Does anyone have a spare hundred credits I could borrow for a gravestone that says 'RIP Bill'?

THE END

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NOW FOR THE PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT...

BOBO FAT 2!!!!!!!!!!

I am currently in the process of writing 'The Further Adventures of Bobo Fat"! No word on when it will be up, but that should give you something to look forward to, eh? From the author, vegemite.


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